No Snogbox Required
by riversung
Summary: In which Clara and Doctor John Smith manage to do quite a bit of snogging in a variety of AU situations. "Clara pulled him down further by his lapels and thoroughly kissed him senseless. 'Having fun tonight' "
1. Christmas Party AU

_In which Clara and the Doctor have to keep their relationship secret in the office and especially at the office Christmas party where both are getting hit on and neither wants to be standing at opposite ends of the room._

* * *

Clara had to admit, if there was anybody in the world who really knew how to throw a party, it was Jenny Flint.

The lobby of Trenzalore Inc. was impressive to begin with. It had high ceilings, luxurious comfy chairs, and a wall made entirely of windows. Usually there was a very classy feel to it. Polished black tile, leather furniture, marble counters, and nothing else. Most people stopped dead in their tracks the moment they entered the automatic double doors.

That night, however, Jenny had managed to completely alter the atmosphere. Cheerful Christmas music played from the speakers, stockings hung across the fireplace, lights Clara had never even been aware of had lit up the room, and everybody who generally bustled about the office in a hush was in conversation with somebody else.

Her eyes immediately searched the room for him.

The Doctor sat on the edge of one of the lobby's leather chairs, clad in his trademark purple coat and... _Oh dear Lord_, she could feel the second hand embarrassment coming from his Frosty the Snowman themed bowtie all the way across the room.

His eyes found hers and whatever conversation he was having faltered as the Doctor's eyes glided over her red dress and silver heels. She managed a small wave before quickly glancing away.

Office romance was strictly forbidden at Trenzalore. Clara wasn't entirely sure she'd lose her job if Jenny found out about her relationship with the Doctor, especially considering the secret romance Jenny had with Madame Vastra, the Doctor's boss, but she wasn't too keen on the rest of the office knowing.

Clara wandered idly towards the bar as she watched three different girls all eagerly conversing with the Doctor. She really should have been used to this by now, honestly. He was easily the most attractive man in the work place, and it really should have stopped bothering her a long time ago that he got hit on so much. Maybe it would bother her less if he wasn't so completely blind to it.

No, on second thought, she supposed that would be worse.

Clara ordered a drink and sat down on the surprisingly comfortable bar stool. She took a moment to think that this was possibly the absolute best use the lobby's front desk had ever been put to.

"Uh, wow," The bartender looked up in a shocked manner. "You must be new here. Pretty lady like you, I think I would have remembered you from the last office party." He dropped his voice to what he must have believed was a seductive whisper. "And don't worry, you would have remembered me too."

"Oh. Good." Clara shot back sarcastically. "You've hit on me. At least we can get that out of the way now that I'm _not_ interested." Out of all the pick up lines she's heard that might have been the most blunt and poorly delivered one yet.

"...Right." He slid her drink across the counter. "Have a nice night."

Clara took an eager sip from her much needed drink. Her relaxing first-day-of-holiday had not gone exactly as planned. She really did enjoy taking care of the Maitland kids. In fact she hadn't seen them in weeks now. They had of course gotten a new nanny when Clara got her job at the Trenzalore Agency but once Miss Angie Maitland had gotten word of Clara's new boyfriend, it had taken her all of an hour and a half to show up at her door with Artie in tow.

The pair had really worn her out. While Artie had busied himself with the telly halfway through the visit, Angie had decided that she was a proper grown-up now and therefore was entitled to a proper grown-up gossip session. It was nearly seven at night when their father had come by to pick them up and the interrogation about the Doctor had finally stopped.

_So he's your boyfriend now?_

_Yes, I suppose he is._

_And they call him the Doctor?_

_Yes, he quite likes that name._

_And do you call him the Doctor?_

_Yeah, I do._

_Doctor Who?_

_Well... His real name is John Smith. But he hates it. Not sure why. He really doesn't talk about his Dad much so I think it might have something to do with that. Maybe it was his Dad's name and his Dad left or something. Why am I telling you all this?_

_Is he a good kisser?_

_How would you even know what a good kisser was?_

_I might not, but you would, wouldn't you?_

_Yes, alright, he's quite good._

_When did you two meet?_

_Few months ago._

_When did you start dating?_

_Few weeks ago._

_Have you slept with him?_

_Alright, enough Angie!_

Having looked back at the Doctor, the jealousy returned. Not only was he being hit on still, but he hadn't even caught on that she was being hit on, which was just entirely inconvenient because Clara absolutely hated being the only jealous one in a relationship.

She walked over to Jenny and struck up a conversation about how lovely the party was. She was now in hearing distance of the Doctor and could hear him chuckle at a joke one of their coworkers made. Clara smiled a little to herself. He didn't usually laugh like that, so she could tell it was put on to be polite.

Luckily, Jenny was in the middle of a story about how the power went out hours before the party when Clara caught a blonde lady slipping a piece of paper into the Doctor's hand. He was so oblivious to what was happening that he nearly dropped it before giving her a quizzical look. The woman seductively winked at him and sauntered off. The dots slowly began to connect in his mind and Clara could tell the exact moment he realized there was a cell phone number written on that paper. His back straightened immediately and he shoved it into his coat pocket as if it was a scandalous note and nervously fixed his bowtie. Before he could continue his conversation with the brunette opposite of him, Clara excused herself from Jenny and confidently walked up to him.

"Hi, sorry to interrupt Doctor, Jenny just remembered another last minute detail and she wanted to make sure you got the e-mail from Madame Vastra this morning about Strax's papers?" Clara delivered the flawless lie with a cordial smile towards the brunette who was impatiently pursing her lips in Clara's direction.

"Clara!" The Doctor quickly muffled his excitement. "Um... no, sorry. I didn't get an e-mail, do I need to sign something?"

"Well, yes. Normally Jenny wouldn't ask, I know technically you're on holiday but if you don't mind? Mr. Strax had them faxed over this morning and they apparently the papers got mixed up with mine. I have the copy in my office, would you mind signing them? It would be a huge weight off of Ms. Flint's chest."

"Yes, alright." He turned to the brunette, "Sorry, be back soon." The woman smiled curtly at Clara, clearly not pleased to be interrupted. The Doctor waved to get Jenny's attention and threw her a thumbs up, getting a confused smile in return.

Clara really had no idea what had gotten into her but she giggled as she took the Doctor's hand and lead them past the lobby and down the hall towards his office which was much closer than hers.

"This is really unlike Vastra to leave things until the last moment." He thought out loud as he hurried to keep up.

"You're right. It really is." Clara whispered as she pulled him inside his office and pressed him against the door as it shut behind them.

"Oh." The Doctor's eyes widened comically as it dawned on him. "_Oh!_" He gestured frantically between the two of them before smiling. "I see now, okay!"

Before he could say much else, Clara looped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her lips urgently. She took his bottom lip between her own as she knew he loved. After a few moments of windmilling his arms, the Doctor responded eagerly although still moving his hands around, not entirely sure where to place them. Clara pulled him down further by his lapels and thoroughly kissed him senseless.

"Having fun tonight?" She asked into the crook of his neck as she laid kisses along the underside of his jaw.

"A bit more now than earlier on." The Doctor chuckled before boldly sliding his hands dangerously low on her hips. Apparently he had gathered proper control of his limbs.

"Good answer." Clara slid her lips back up to his while simultaneously running her hands through his thick hair. The Doctor moaned into her mouth as she deepened the kiss. Turning them around, he pressed Clara against the wall next to door, his leg hitched between hers as his body pressed against hers in every place possible.

Being in high heels put Clara at a solid six inches shorter than he, a big improvement over the usual 10 or so inches of difference. However this difference still seemed to be an obstacle for the Doctor, one he eagerly eliminated a few minutes later by tugging Clara backwards until he could lift her on top of his desk, putting them at eye level.

"Oi, I'm not that short." She playfully punched his chest and he did his best to pretend it had hurt, leaning backwards from the impact. They maintained eye contact for a few moments. She had already made a mess of his hair by now and his eyes were a considerable shade darker as he watched her bite her lip and look up at him through her eyelashes. His lips began to inch back towards her slowly, before they both urgently grabbed at each other, once again pressing their bodies as close as possible.

At some point his fancy purple coat that he had specifically rushed at the the cleaners for the party ended up on the floor, along with her heels. His bowtie was in serious danger of joining it's coat. The pins holding up her loose bun had been tossed onto the desk at some point as he ran his fingers through her hair.

Nearly out of breath, the two stopped abruptly when they heard a knock from the door.

"Doctor? Doctor are you in there? I'm terribly sorry but there's one more paper I need you to sign before you leave tonight." Vastra's voice was heard through the door.

"I thought there weren't any papers?" He whispered in a panic.

"There weren't any! It was a cover story." Clara said back in a hush.

"Uhh... Just a minute." The Doctor said professionally. "Hide!" The two chuckled into each other's lips in one last hasty kiss before Clara slipped off and underneath his desk.

* * *

**Okay so this is the first installment in what I hope will be a series of AU whouffle one-shots. If you guys are interested in this, please let me know in a review or you can always contact me on Tumblr (my URL is riversung). I have a few ideas for my next one-shot, they aren't all going to be in the same AU, there will be some differences throughout them. Also if you guys have any prompts you'd like me to write, leave a review, message me on , or send me an ask on Tumblr. **

**Thank you so much for any and all support (also if anybody would like me to check out their fics, shoot me a message, I'm dying for more whouffle fics)**


	2. Double Date AU

_In which John Smith (the Doctor) and Clara go on a double date and John just can't catch a break._

* * *

It had started almost a week prior to the date, really.

Everything prior to July had gone surprisingly well. Almost too well, honestly. He should have seen this coming. It was only a matter of time before the universe decided it had run out of luck for John Smith.

Having just finished Secondary School alongside Amy and Rory, the trio had gone on holiday to America for the summer. It was the first time any of them had traveled a significant ways from home. And it really had been too easy. Blimey, even airport security had gone swiftly. Since arriving, they had gotten a cheap enough apartment that rented by the month (convenient, as they were only staying for three), Amy had gotten a summer job (one Rory was _not _a fan of) as a kissogram_, _and John had found a nice little coffee shop across the street that made his tea just the way he liked it (a little milk, a lot of sugar, in a big mug).

Not to mention Clara. Now, Clara was just smashing. They had met at a mall, not exactly the most romantic setting. Rory and Amy had gotten sidetracked in a music store somewhere, while he fetched the drinks from the vending machine. He had watched as this tiny little thing of a girl pointed her finger in a very cross manner at some tall bloke. How she managed to intimidate him from that height, he never found out, but the man just raised his hands in surrender and walked away. John had finally caught her eye a few minutes later and seeing as that was during the universe's less rebellious phase, he had actually caught a break. They got to talking on the little bench in between the music and movie stores.

She was British. He actually loved that, he had come all the way from England to discover new things and meet new people and he falls for the one British girl in a 300 mile radius of him in a country a million times bigger than their own.

She was definitely one of the feistiest girls he'd ever met, carrying enough sass to rival that of Amy Pond's. The two got along well enough.

It was when he asked her out, he supposed, that the universe decided his luck had run out. Rory was particularly excited about the weekend. Their first 4th of July in America was bound to be an experience. It felt a bit like betrayal to celebrate it, but he never could resist fireworks.

"Perfect day to grow a pair, Raggedy man." Amy almost sang from the other room as he and Rory played video games in the living room.

"I don't know what you mean, Pond." John shot back in the same sing-song voice.

"You've got her number, eh?"

"Yeah, I've got it."

"Have you called her?"

"Not yet. I'm getting there, don't worry."

"It's the 4th of July on Saturday, you know."

He scoffed. "Yeah, and we're both British. Have you noticed?"

"How daft can you be?" Amy strolled into the room and sat between the boys, leaning against Rory. "Think about it. Going to the beach. Dinner. Laying under the stars." Amy began to use her dramatic narration voice, "You softly brush your hand against hers as she subtly scoots closer. Your eyes meet in the dark. She leans closer. Your lips…" Dramatic pause. "Touch. The music crescendos, the fireworks explode over your head, it's magical. Don't tell me you haven't been thinking about it. Rory has."

Rory shrugs a little. "Might have been."

"Alright, yes. I've thought about it. But how's a bloke supposed to call a girl up and say 'Hey, it's John, the guy you met at the mall, wanna be my date of the Fourth of July?'."

Amy and Rory give him an "it's obvious" sort of look.

As it turns out, that worked in the end. And he says in the end because the first time he called, he ended up dialing the wrong number, the second time he called, Clara's Dad had answered, and the third his nerves got the best of him and he had ended up calling himself Shawn Smith.

The Universe's cruel mission continued the day of the date when he had to rush to the closest surf shop to purchase another pair of swim trunks, seeing as the first pair had a considerable hole in them. John did his best to not think of just how long that hole had been there and how often he wore that pair of trunks.

Among other curve balls thrown at him that Saturday, John experienced the joy of losing his wallet, being interrupted by a phone call from his Mum just as he tried to hold Clara's hand, Amy shouting something from behind them on the beach the second time he tried holding Clara's hand, and grabbing a stranger's hand instead of hers when in line for ice cream. He finally got a hold of her hand properly as they walked up the hill to a barbecue in the nearby park.

He was going to kiss her. He was absolutely, without a doubt, going to kiss her tonight. He, John Smith, would kiss her, Clara Oswald. He had always been so terrible with timing on previous dates. Amy had loved to make fun of him whenever he returned from a date with another disaster story. He had experienced everything from waiting a week and a half to kiss a girl to accidentally telling her that he loved her before the film had even started on the first date. John had gotten a spectacularly embarrassing teasing from Amy that night.

_"Oh, now you love her do you? Let me guess, you're proposing tomorrow? Is she gonna be your wife one day?"_

_"Shut it, Pond."_

That was not going to happen tonight. He would kiss Clara, and it would be amazing.

When the music started, she grabbed his hand and dragged him towards an empty patch of grass being used as a makeshift dance floor.

"I love this song!" She told him as they danced around each other.

"What song is it?"

"I've no idea!"

"I love it too!" John laughed as he danced (badly) closer to her.

A slower song came on three songs later, not a romantic tune, but at least they had a chance to stop flailing about. John gently pulled her closer. She would have rested her head on his shoulder but she wasn't quite tall enough. Her head lay against his chest, and the embrace became more of a moving hug and less of a dance.

John could see Amy and Rory motioning over her head from several yards away. Rory gave him a small thumbs up while Amy gestured wildly while mouthing "KISS HER YOU IDIOT" on a loop.

"Hey…" he looked down at her and whispered, "Are you having fun?"

Clara stopped and looked up at him with a smile. "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah, I am." John slowly leaned down to-

"Excuse me, mind if I cut in here?" A tall man with dark hair tapped John on the back and flashed Clara a flirtatious smile.

"I'm good, thanks." She shot back politely.

"Alright, no worries." The guy moved on, apparently unperturbed by the rejection. The music shifted to an upbeat song and John sighed, the moment ruined.

Amy returned with four hot dogs on a plate for the group. "Celebrating our home country's failure has never tasted so delicious, am I right?"

Rory nodded eagerly with a mouthful of chips.

"I absolutely cannot get over how amazing the cheeseburgers are here, have you tried one?" Clara asked.

"I know, right?" John agreed. "At the place, er what's it called again… the five guys place?"

"Amazing, they're absolutely amazing, I don't think I ever want to go home." She took an impressive bite out of her hot dog.

"The first day we were here, I think that's all I ate. Lunch, dinner, you think tea and biscuits are good, try tea and cheeseburgers." John suggested with a goofy smile.

"I might just do that, you know." Clara laughed. "I swear, I've had the same favorite food for years now but this country is mad, how does anybody pick one thing to like above everything else?"

"What was your favorite food before?" John situated himself so he was facing Clara instead of the group. Amy and Rory had struck up a conversation with the couple behind them.

"Soufflés. Not my own of course, I'm rubbish at making them myself but my Mum on the other hand… She made some of the best soufflés I've ever had."

"I don't think I've had a good soufflé in years." John set his empty plate down next to him. "That settles it. You'll have to set me up with one of your Mum's soufflés sometime."

Clara became quiet. "I wish I could."

John furrowed his eyebrows. "Wh-" He felt his heart sink in his chest. "Oh, Clara. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. It was a long time ago."

"Still. I'm sorry." He reached for her hand and ran his thumb across the back of it idly.

"You're a really good guy, you know." Clara smiled up at him. "I like you a lot."

"Yeah, me too. I mean- I don't, I don't like myself. I mean… I like you a lot too. Not me. It's not that I don't like myself, I don't dislike myself, I just meant that I liked you too." He stumbled over his words awkwardly for a moment.

"I understand. I do." Clara reassured him before giggling.

"Good." John looked over at Amy and Rory, who were now fiercely arguing with the couple behind them. Actually, it was more like Amy was fiercely arguing with the man while Rory and the man's girlfriend avoided eye contact. Looking back at Clara, he noticed they were sitting closer than when he last took notice.

Clara bit her lip gently and held eye contact with him for a few moments before leaning in closer. John tilted his head just a tad cl-

"Oh my stars, is that man on fire?" Clara jerked away as a drunk man ran across the field in front of them, the back of his trousers having caught fire from God knows what. John cursed silently as they watched another man empty a cooler of ice onto the flailing idiot, putting out the fire.

They laughed along with the rest of the people in the park (but not for quite as long as the drunks who unfortunately occupied 75% of the area). Amy and Rory rejoined the group. "Did you see that, I love America!" Rory (who was just a tad pissed) shouted.

Amy laughed and began to tell a story about the time her mate Mels had gotten drunk for the first time. John heard Clara sigh and looked down at her. She bit her lip at him again, this time not subconsciously but more in a "If only that hadn't just happened" sort of way. John half-smiled, half-smirked at her in response.

"Oi! You two! If you're gonna ignore me then go on and have a snog in the shrubbery why don't you?" Amy teased. "This telepathic conversation is not as interesting as my story."

"You shut it, Pond, what are you, my mother-in-law?"John shot back playfully. He actually kind of liked the shrubbery idea but he was a gentleman. And gentlemen did not have a snog in the shrubbery for a first kiss.

Three failed attempts at a kiss later, John was far past frustrated. Clara had begun showing signs of frustration two almost kisses ago, and Amy had already texted him "Oi, make a move why don't you?" before accidentally interrupting the most recent near kiss.

Three beers later, Rory had gotten dropped off at the hotel, completely pissed. John would have driven Clara home except he hadn't gotten a handle on the driving in America, which Amy had somehow learned in under a week. Rory thought she must have learned it so fast because of how terrible a driver she was on the left side of the road. That had earned him a punch in the gut.

So now Clara and John sat in the back of Amy's rental car as she drove them up to Clara's driveway.

"I thought you said you were just visiting?" The house seemed rather impressive for a rental.

"Oh, I am. We're staying with the Maitlands. Old family friends. Their mum used to nanny me and now I nanny their kids."

John nodded. "Let me walk you to the door." He stepped out of the car and came around to open her door. The car sat high up on the driveway, in plenty of view of the door, most likely nosy Amy's doing.

Clara grabbed his hand and gently pulled him away from the sidewalk leading to the door, and towards the front yard. John raised his eyebrows at her as he followed.

"C'mere." They walked until they stood in front of a big oak tree, mostly blocking the view of the car. Clara took hold of his hands and idly tugged him back. "Tonight was… actually really fun."

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" John took a tentative step forwards, sliding his hand up her arm.

"Most of it." Clara swept her hair out of her face with her free hand.

"Could have been a bit more fun…" John said before blushing at the implication.

"There's still time for a bit more fun." She whispered. They had taken several steps closer now, their faces only centimeters away now. Moving his hand to her cheek, John slowly leaned his head closer and touched his lips to hers.

He had finally caught a break.

Clara looped her arms around his waist, her hands lingering low on his back. With one hand on her cheek and the other low on her hip, John deepened the kiss, tilting her head back.

He pulled back, expecting a clever remark from Clara, but was only met with a small smile. She grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him back for another kiss, this one much more heated. Her hand wove its way into his hair, pressing her lips to his with a new urgency. His previous frustration channeled into this kiss had him pushing her back until she was pressed up against the tree. They pulled apart briefly for air before doubling the intensity once more. Clara's hand found it's way up John's shirt, grazing his back. Their mouths battled for dominance eagerly, John finally winning out in the end. Full on snogging now, John let his hands wander down her back, stopping just over her belt loop. Clara slid her own hands down, pushing his farther below her belt. His hands slipped into her back pockets as he led a trail of kisses farther down her neck and chest, her hands eagerly gripping his hair, holding him in place.

The porch light, barely visible from John's position, began to flicker. On, off. On, off. On off on off onoffonoffonoff. On, off.

"Oh no…" Clara quickly pressed against his chest and pulled her shoulder strap that had begun to slide off back up. "That'll be my Dad inside. This is _not _how you want to meet him."

"What do you mean, where is he?" John ran his hands through his messy hair and straightened his shirt.

"Probably watching from the window. It's a thing he does. He flickers the lights when he wants me inside. Oh God, how long has he been doing that?" Clara quickly ran her fingers through her hair. "I really have to go. Call me tomorrow?"

"Yeah." John smiled at her and shoved his hands into his pockets, swaying side to side. Clara stepped forward and kissed him on the cheek softly. Before she could walk away, John grabbed her hand, pulling her back in for a real kiss. "Get out of here, soufflé girl."

She hastily walked to the front door and let herself in quietly. John let out a deep breath and fell back against the tree. Slowly, the back lights of Amy's car got brighter as she backed out of the driveway until her window was level with the tree.

"You plan on sleeping in her yard tonight or would you like to go home sometime tonight, eh?" Amy gave him a knowing look, trying not to smile.

"Shut it, Pond." He mumbled as he got in the passenger side. They sat in the driveway for a moment.

"Shut it."

"Against _a tree._"

"Shut. It."

"Shutting it." Amy said with a pleased smile as she backed out.

* * *

**I had so much fun writing that, you have no idea. The kiss scene was loosely based off of a movie I saw a long time ago, so that idea wasn't entirely mine, but the majority of this AU was. I would love to hear your thoughts on it so keep reviewing, it really helps a lot! **

**Special thanks to NancyBoy.87, RedAugust102, OswinSmith, librarykate, SymphonicPoem, and the other anonymous reviewers, it means a lot.**

**My tumblr is still riversung and I still love you all.**


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